La Valse D'Amelie

i saw a ballet dance troupe perform a dance to this song from the movie 'Amelie' recently, they performed in an outdoor plaza in front of a bank near my job downtown. and something about this music just struck something deep within me, and made me feel happy and at peace the whole day




the song is called "La Valse D'Amelie"

beauty or comfort?

wow, talk about a run of bad luck. i've had a tough week to say the least, and now my computer seems to have eaten my favorite CD, Blondie by Blondie. wonderful. anyway, hopefully this ends soon and i can get back to feeling normal.

i was thinking about this question today, is it better to dress for comfort or for fashion? and it happened to be posed on the last page of the allure magazine issue i was reading. i usually dress for comfort, almost always actually. but sometimes it is fun to dress up for fashion and for feeling glamourous. some women swear by high heeled shoes, even for the workday. that's something i don't think i could ever do. i feel like i'm already tall enough and i love my comfortable flats. but once in a while, it's nice to be showy with a pair of heels, like for a party or a special night out on the town. wearing them just makes you feel different, they make you feel more graceful and feminine, give shape to your legs, and make you walk with more power and confidence. like it's a real accomplishment just be to able to walk in them! and for a little while, great heels can make you feel beautiful and sexy.

i've been longing for a pair of red ankle boots ever since i saw them on mary kate olsen in this picture. she once said that the right shoes can immediately change any outfit and make it special. even if the rest of what you are wearing is really not that impressive:

mary kate olsen, kate moss, shirley manson, debbie harry, sienna miller, (most of the time) all japanese/asian women, have the best style and are the ones i most look to for inspiration. i think because their style is unique to them, which is something that is so hard to do, to come up with your own personal look that when people see it they recognize it immediately.

heels hurt your feet and are hard to walk in, but they look fabulous. straight hair looks lovely, but it takes about an hour to get it to look right, and that's if there is zero humidity out there. sometimes i wish i could be really petitie, have smaller breasts, smaller arms, a tiny frame, so that way certain dresses and long necklaces and jewelry would look better on me, more like a statement done on purpose rather than looking like i'm trying too hard. i used to be really ok with my body and my look, but now i'm mostly trying to make do with what i have. how do these actresses get this skinny anyway? do they smoke and drink coffee all day? is that the trick? i wish i knew. i wish i could do it myself so i could feel like someone that stands out from the crowd again.

it's friday again, thank God

i'm still trying to throw out 50 things. it's been really slow going. so far this is all i have to add to my list:

16. green dress that never fit (too big)
17. black dress that never fit (too tight)
18. brown wooden heart earrings ($1 impulse buy)
19. piece of broken smoke detector i found in my closet
20. old catalogues
21. book, 'writing without the muse'

i got some new clothes from alloy.com that were shipped extremely fast so they arrived today :) so i felt better about getting rid of some older stuff. still wish i could let go of more though so that my closet can breathe. i honestly forget sometimes the clothes that i own, and then certain pieces never get worn. i'm so happy tomorrow is friday. this whole week has been so busy and i feel really tired. i think the hardest part about clearing clutter (besides clothes) is clearing my inbox of old emails. i have books filled with writing exercises, and yet i feel a need to collect even more writing exercises in a folder that i named 'journal jar' in my email inbox. and then i have another folder of inspirational quotes which i never read. and then i have older emails from friends of the past who i wish would return to my life. i tried reaching out to an old friend recently who i used to hang out with a lot but he never replied after his first reply. thought that's probably also because he was busy preparing to leave to japan for his first photography exhibition. i am so jealous. i would love to go to japan someday.

i'm still trying to lose about 5 lbs and it's getting irritating that the scale will not move. i'm 125 now and want to go down to 120. i don't feel comfortable at this weight, even if i look ok. i don't like my pants and dresses fitting tightly, and feeling like my stomach is hanging out. it's hard to eat healthy, but i am trying. i'm forcing myself. i'm drinking more water, eating more fruit, not eating too late at night, trying to keep my meals small. it's not easy. if i have vegetables and meat for dinner lets say, i get so hungry at night before bed. maybe it would help to try to get to bed earlier.

my neighbors in my apartment complex have been extremely loud tonight. it's been nothing but loud banging noises and loud talking outside, and kids running around and screaming and all this, and i'm like what the hell? when did this place turn into the circus? i really wanted to write poetry today, to post something more interesting here, but i just didn't have any inspiration. i couldn't get into that frame of mind at all. so happy that i have 2 long weekends coming up, maybe somehow i can get back to my creativity. it also doesn't help that the photographer behind joesnyc.com (nyc photo blog) has gone on a bunch of vacations and stopped posting pictures for long stretches of time. i really like going to his site each day to see the new photo, and it always makes me happy and sometimes even inspires writing. right now i think his site says that new photos will be returning september 4th. oh well

last weekend i went to see 'district 9' due to my bf's prompting. and i actually really enjoyed it more than i was expecting to. sure was different! i'm so glad project runway is back on the air with a new season. and now they have a spin off show called 'models of the runway' about the models who appear regularly on project runway. finally something to watch on tv! i think i'd rather die than watch courtney and chloe take miami.

throwing out 50 things

so with my free time at work, i like to read articles on line about home organization and decluttering. and i came across this book called 'throw out 50 things.' i forgot the author's name but i thought it sounded interesting so i started reading it at a bookstore during my lunch break. and i found the website when i got home, it's called throwoutfifitythings.com or something. if you look up that phrase in google, it's the first site that comes up. i thought it was interesting because on the web page the author has a downloadable workbook where you can type in all the 50 things you threw out individually, as a long list. this helps you to feel lighter at the end of the process when you see how much you were able to let go of and let out of your life. so i decided to try this. so far i have thrown out (or will give to my mom to donate) 15 things. here's my list so far:

My Throw-Outs-
1.old photos
2.black and white earrings (unwanted gift)
3.Peace sign earrings (unwanted gift)
4.Light pink bracelet- out of style
5.Wings of joy book
6.witch in every woman book
7.old ratty pashmina
8.old computer‘s drivers
9.relaxation book
10.ugly kitchen tablecloth that I never liked
11.Old, stained placemats
12.clothes I got tired of/don‘t fit
13.wireless router
14.old wallet
15. deck of 'uno' cards

in the process i found:

-an extra package of band aids that i will bring to the office for paper cuts. i bought a new pack for home without realizing i already had one!

-my alarm clock manual which i really needed to figure out why the alarm wouldn't go off. i finally fixed it

-a bottle of prescription medication that i used to use but still hasn't expired so it will save me money. i don't have to refill the one i have for a while

-the installation CDs for Microsoft works suite from my old computer, which i need to install onto my new computer. yes!

-a small empty box to use for jewelry storage in my dresser drawer

-lots of products that i've bought over the years to attempt to straighten my hair. have to try to let some of these go

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i also read a feng shui article about being aware of the first thing you see at you enter your home. as that is the thing that 'greets' you and any guests you have as soon as you arrive. i realized that this thing for me was the garbage can and recycling bag in my kitchen! i sure am tired of seeing that as soon as i open the door to my apartment. so i moved some things around under my sink and put the garbage can in there, and also put the bag with the recyclables behind my table and out of site. and it's nice to see more of the floor and now i can properly get to mopping it.

as i was throwing out the garbage i came across this single rose just lying across from the garbage cans on a neighbor's ledge at the side of their yard. i felt like it was so out of place and had to go back and photograph it. i wish i could be one of those people who keeps a cool photo blog. there are so many times when i wish i had my camera, and things just end up going unnoticed. and i just take a mental picture of them for myself.

not feeling great

i've gone a long time without posting, because i haven't been feeling great about myself. so i've been writing and whining more in my regular journal since i felt i had nothing of use to post on here. so i'll just post this pic of the lotus flower painting my bf made me for my birthday. it's so pretty....

meditation tip of the day

taken from http://www.deeshan.com/:

Monday 10 August 2009

Aloneness is a flower, a lotus blooming in your heart.
Aloneness is positive, aloneness is health.
It is the joy of being yourself.
It is the joy of having your own space.
Meditation means: bliss in being alone.

Osho

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7 things i'm grateful for today-

1. air conditioning

2. get a bonus of $10 from one of the directors at work for the help i gave him on some projects he didn't have time to get to. so now i can buy myself a nice cool mocha latte tomorrow :)

3. get a pretty copper hair barrett as a gift from a sales rep at work who bought it on a trip he just got back from

4. this friday is payday. so i can buy another electronic book! i'm almost done with eat, pray, love

5. my boss approving my time off request for monday 8/31 (verbally at least)

6. having time to read and relax

7. fragrant candles

eat, pray, love

i'm currently in the middle of reading 'eat, pray, love' by elizabeth gilbert, and it's a really entertaining book. it's written almost like a novel in style. i like her writing voice and can tell that she is passionate about writing. she's good at laying out a scene and explaining her thought processes and actions in a way that the reader can easily picture. she eats in italy, prays and meditates in india, and finds love in indonesia. i'm currently in the middle of the india section of the book. and it's hard to put down. i noticed what's weird about the sony reader though. i can't underline any passages that i find especially meaningful! that's kind of annoying. so i have to stop reading and find a piece of paper to jot down the passages that stand out to me. it's a small annoyance considering that the alternative is carrying around the actual heavy book everywhere i go. it's really hard to stop reading it, because it's written in such a relateable way, as if it could be your own journey that she is describing. i heard this memoir may become a movie starring julia roberts. i'm so glad that i'm reading the memoir now, so the movie doesn't spoil the story for me. i keep thinking what an amazing thing it is that this author did, travelling to these countries all alone in order to find herself, and to discover the truth about herself and how she sees the world. that sounds like something most people just dream about, people like me.

my favorite quote from the book so far (which is actually a quote within a quote):

It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection

-The Bhagavad Gita

i should have been writing

that afternoon when it was raining and he was painting. i should have been writing. instead of drifting off to sleep yet again. it could be the medication i'm on. making me gain weight and making me sleepy all the time. unable to find my interest in things again. it's frustrating. but if i get off of it, i worry about the anxiety returning. and i wonder if i'll become too anxious to eat again. once you have had anxiety severe enough to have panic attacks, it's hard to imagine ever going back to any kind of normalcy.

i always feel better in the summer. i sat on the train the other day on my way to work, listening to music and watching the morning sunlight glistening through the window, above the heads of the passengers sitting in front of me. and i felt so much gratitude fill my heart. gratitude for having a job to go to. gratitude that boss would be out of the office. gratitude for having good music to listen to. gratitude for my family who loves me. gratitude that i wasn't all bundled up and cramped on the train with a bunch of school kids carrying their huge backpacks. gratitude for being alive. i love those moments. i felt serene, whole, and happy.

i know that i need more motivation. i want to have a body that's fit and in shape, but i need to find motivation to exercise. i need to remember that now is my chance. once the winter comes then i'll be stuck inside most of the time. and the opportunity won't be there as much. i hate the feeling that summer is slipping by. i wish it could never end. i wish it could go on forever. and i could feel inspired and happy, people watching during my lunch hour at the park, by the seaport, getting a chance to look at the water and the river without feeling cold. i feel like there's so much to write about. but reading is easier. i feel like there's so much to do, but i get paralyzed and overwhelmed by all the choices and options.

i know i need to make a first step, towards a life without regret, towards a youth that i will remember fondly, towards a life that's waiting for me to jump in and live it.

some pics from my 30th surprise birthday party

an excellent talk

Elizabeth Gilbert on nurturing creativity-

http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

i love my sony reader

i feel like such a nerd. but i got a sony reader (like a kindle but made by sony) for my 30th birthday from my sister and 2 cousins who all put in money for it. and i love it so much! i have never had such an attachment to an inanimate object before. it is the best. it's small and light, just like a day planner. i have only downloaded one book so far, a book called 'clutter busting' and it's so easy to read on this electronic thingy its ridiculous. i'm already up to chapter 2 and i just downloaded the book late last night. getting it onto my reader was tricky, but i managed. now it's like i can actually look forward to my commute!

also, another lovely new thing in my life is my new computer. i got one of those flat screen desk top ones and it is so amazingly fast! i marvel at the time that i save now because i don't have to sit there waiting for pages to load. and now there are websites that i gave up visiting before that i can go back to now without worrying that my browser will crash. it's so great! :) i couldn't stop thinking about it at work today, i'm nuts. i couldn't wait to go home and surf the net to my heart's content. and write emails to people in a fraction of the time that it used to take.

it feels nice to be able to treat myself, since it's something that i hardly ever do. especially with expensive things. for so long i felt guilty about spending money on myself. but i work hard and i deserve to have the best. it makes it easier to get up in the morning and go to work, knowing that my hard work has paid off in a way that i can enjoy my leisure time so much more.

it's kind of funny and ironic, because recently i wrote an entry in my regular journal about the evils of modern technology and how it robs us of really living. i guess i contradict myself, because i'm insanely entertained by my new techno toys!! next thing i need to get is a new computer desk, as the one i have is old and shabby. but luckily i got a mini bonus at my job last week, so i can use that towards the desk. my apartment is becoming more of a homey, comfy place by the day. and it makes me happy.

i love this idea

buy your next pair of shoes here and provide a new pair of shoes to a child in need at the same time!

http://www.tomsshoes.com/

i'm getting my pair this weekend, they are affordable and cute, espeically the booties

most creative when i'm delirious

mr. jaws

debbie harry once had a fish
named mr. jaws
she wore sunglasses on stage
held him up in a bowl
said she was working on the Blondie
character
once i thought i could live
like a child
like her in a world of make believe
-a magazine

where i'd sing something like
'she left me so hot'
lyric penned by men.
where i'd be on rooftops
wearing mini dresses, fringed bangs,
clothes made from pillowcases
looking disaffected.

i would wear reality
like a poem on my sleeve
and obscure my eyes
in a slick blue raincoat
still enough to photograph..

i'd wait for no one.
walking along in a long blue song

free summer day

didn't do much today but take a walk down to the salvation army thrift store here in town where i bought this print (pictured) for $1. it's not as huge as the picture makes it look, it's a bit smaller than an 8 x 10. i thought it was nice that it had a cardboard back so it's ready to hang. the thrift store isn't that big, but i was happy to see that they had a small book section in the back, i almost bought 'the power of now' but after reading a few passages i was getting a bit lost.

i guess now i'll finish reading 'how shall i tell the dog,' a free book i got from my professor during my last class. i also got a chance to grab this book that's going to serve as a companion to a movie called 'taking woodstock' that's coming out in august, i think the book is the shooting script. i'm nervous about my presentation for the last class, because it's going to be lots of work and very difficult. my 30th birthday is also looming, oh my. i'm going to have some ice cream, do some reading, and forget my worries.

last night i watched the memorial for michael jackson which was on like at 2am, an encore showing. it was very nice and free of theatrics. i half expected michael to jump up out of his coffin and reveal that it was all a major hoax to drum up publicity for his upcoming tour, but that would've been too cruel of a thing to do, making the world think he had died. my mind goes to some weird places sometimes. i have to meditate tonight. my whole vacation may pass me by without my doing so and that would be a shame. it's amazing that even when i'm off work there still doesn't seem to be enough time in the day for all that i want to do. even if i go to bed at 4am.

accidents never happen in a perfect world

that's a line from a Blondie song, 'accidents never happen. ' while i was listening to it on my way home from class tonight, it made me think of one word that i saw someone had written on the handle of a door between subway cars. it was on one of the doors of the subway i took to head home. the one word, written in blue marker horizontally down the handle of the door was 'pray.' sometimes i think the things we run across in life, the conversations we overhear, the people we meet just for a few moments are not random or accidental at all. that they have real meaning for us if we have our eyes open and pay attention. maybe 'pray' was the reminder that i needed in my life right now. maybe doing that will help me in some way.

sometimes i wonder how i got to be where i am in life, but then i feel suddenly assured that where i am is where i'm supposed to be at this moment, wherever that happens to be. and the people in my life are all there to teach me something, to show me something i need to learn to continue on in my journey of life. maybe they are, maybe they're not, but that's my instinct and my interpretation of their existence. i don't think anything is random, i think things are meant to be as they are, and maybe we don't understand all the reasons for that, and maybe we are not meant to understand until the time is right.

don't try to understand me..

whatever you may think about him, there is no denying the man's artistry, talent and incredible ability to perform and entertain. i think having that much money though and being that famous for the majority of a life would make anyone become unstable. the extent of that we may never know. but for now, my favorite michael jackson song and video are below. these are probably his darkest songs. when 'dangerous' came out, i was obsessed with 'give in to me.' there's something about the pain in his voice on that song that has always haunted me. it's amazing.




the song for some reason gets cut off at the end, here is the link to the whole 'give in to me video' which i can't embed: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-CcqOe9WWU

this is my favorite video from him-

spontaneous poems

just saw this amazing movie, 'waitress' that i was not expecting to like so much. i'm completely in love with it in fact. it is one of the most brilliantly written scripts i think in existence. no exaggeration! you must watch this movie! it is romantic but not in a sickening way, it is genuine and so real and the writing is so sharp that it made me sad that i didn't write it myself. it ranks up there with 'the crow' and 'shakespeare in love' and is one of my favorites now. it has these touching moments, one right after the other, and the characters are not typical movie characters. they are realistic and aware and bold, and it makes the movie so refreshing and enjoyable.

they should make more movies like this. unfortunately, i also found out that the writer, director, and one of the actors in the film, Adrienne Shelley, (the waitress named dawn) was murdered before the movie even premiered. so completely sad and shocking, because you cannot imagine how brilliant this story is, the script, the dialogue, the conversations, the voice overs. i wanted to watch every scene again and again. it was completely engrossing, like a great novel being acted out on film. watch it and see!!! the scenes of the main character, jenna, with the man she has an affair with are some of the most romantic scenes i've ever seen in my life. it will totally get to you and affect your soul.

there is a scene involving dawn telling her fellow waitress girlfriends about the 'spontaneous poems' that her boyfriend writes for her on the spot. it is one of the best scenes, so funny and touching-i love the poem where he says her face is a moon. but i won't ruin it for you. and i even laughed out loud at one scene where jenna is asked out by her doctor to get coffee, her response is the best. i love this movie! it made me happy.

i will definitely have to see the other 2 movies Adrienne Shelley has written..

what's that all about?

had a dream the other night that i went to see some woman who does body energy work, like clearing negative energy from people. she placed a hand over my upper abdomen, closed her eyes, muttered some words, and i felt an energy come forward from my body into her hand. afterwards i felt a dull ache on both sides of my back. what's that all about?

the next day on my way to class, some lady walks directly in my path and hands me a card with a phone number to get more info about a psychic reading. the weird thing is that the card also advertises the release/cleansing of negative energies for mind, heart, body, spirit, bad luck, spells, evil entities, etc. what's that all about??

on my way home from class on my walk to the train, i pass by some guy randomly playing the violin on some steps outside a building in soho. what's that all about?

after meditating on monday night, i end up having a pretty bad day at work. not at all what i expected to happen. and it was pretty cold this morning, very cold actually, and it's now june 17th, and a couple of days from now will be the official beginning of summer. i think it's on sunday actually. what's what all about?

quite a confusing time right now to say the least.

today's insight:

The more honest I am with others and myself, the happier I am.

7 things i'm grateful for today

1. taking today off of work and relaxing
2. having a fun day yesterday with my bf at the open studio day at monroe center in hoboken
3. not having to worry about more rain when i go to class tomorrow
4. applesauce
5. having clear skin and going out without makeup
6. fashion photography books, magazines and web sites
7. feeling rested and having time (and quiet) for meditation
8. (bonus)- getting my laundry done today

i just finished reading a book called 'wings of joy' by Sri Chinmoy. i definitely recommend it, it was very inspiring and fun to read.

i'm only happy when it rains

i've been doing a lot of homework for my class, and even though i wrote in my regular journal last night, i haven't written much here. it's been raining a lot lately. and it's kind of annoying because it's way into june and it's still pretty cold. not to mention that the air conditioning is on so high in my office, it's a wonder that i haven't gotten sick yet. somehow today i managed to finish two reader reports (summaries of unsolicited manuscripts) and watch a movie. i saw 'the curve' which was ok, but not great. it's always nice to watch someone in a movie with hair as curly as mine. keri russell was in 'the curve.' it makes me feel like less of an outsider. my hair has been impossible to control in this weather. i hate it! if i put a hat on, i get hot and sweat and my hair curls up, and if i leave a hat off, then my hair gets frizzy and big. i can't win!

i guess it pays off to have a job that isn't busy at times, so i can get my schoolwork done. espeically when my boss is not in the office. i still get my work done. i just use the extra time to my advantage :) my boss bought a cute purple dress this week for $10 that she couldn't exchange. it didn't fit her so she gave it to me and i got a free dress. too bad it hasn't been warm enough out to really wear it. and the one day i did, i nearly froze to death.

i feel bad that i haven't followed through with my hope to write a play. my sweet bf bought me a book to help me along the process and everything, but it just fell to the wayside once i started taking classes. it's hard when you don't even have an idea what to write a play about either. i have been wanting to do so much more lately. i'm bored with myself and need new stimulation and motivation. i know i'm capable of accomplishing a lot, and not even attempting things upsets and frustrates me. i feel like i'm short changing myself and wasting time. there are so many people out there who had so many disadvantages and less education, who have done so much more than i have, like written books, and travelled abroad, and had other creative accomplishments to their credit. and i have a blog with no central point, just a venue for my wayward thoughts and emotions and occasional insights.

this post has been all over the place. to add to the chaos, here are some sites i've been addicted to lately:

www.streetpeeper.com
www.luckymag.com
www.antonioestevez.net
http://repurposeful.wordpress.com/
http://www.10bestchristiandatingservices.com/blog/2008/11/102-ways-to-simplify-your-life-and-strengthen-your-relationships/
http://www.fashiongonerogue.com/