blot out the sun

yesterday i had to attend a boring work event but at least (after the meeting portion) i got to spend the whole day out in the park. there were people playing softball, basketball, volleyball, and climbing the rock wall and mostly i sat in the shade and just watched with some of my coworkers. it sure beat being in the office on a beautiful summer day. today i'll be going to my cousin's baby shower, she'll be having a little girl in august. i can't wait to put on my new white lacy mini skirt and dark purple tank top which goes with my pale purple nail polish, and accessorize with a layer of necklaces and my white handbag which i love. fashion is so fun and makes me happy! or maybe it's just that's summertime, and i love the warm weather. you get to have so much more fun dressing up. being able to look good in any clothing is a great motivation for working out as well.

i was just reading one of the 20 magazines that my sister lent me recently. it was the instyle issue that had gwen stefani on the cover, i think it was the march issue. i was never a huge no doubt fan or anything. but i can't believe that woman is 40 and after 2 kids still has an amazing body. she said she needs to workout before 12pm or she won't do it, and that her main motivation is loving to wear the clothes she wants to wear and design. talk about discipline. to do all that with two kids. anyway, it's a good way to make a habit of exercise. and i like that she admits that it's difficult, but definitely doable.

my favorite song today is:

things i'm grateful for

i wrote this list in my journal last night:

1. i still have some time to lose weight before my family cruise
2. i had a good workout today, cardio and pilates arm sculpting
3. i have my bf back :)
4. the beautiful new jade bracelet i got from the bf for our anniversary
5. air conditioning
6. clean water to drink and to bathe with
7. having my own apartment and a bedroom in which i can close the door
8. ear plugs
9. all the interesting reading material online
10. free workout videos on youtube
11. my sony electronic reader
12. my family
13. getting the most important things on my to-do list done today
14, getting a chance to write this list and think about all i'm grateful for
15. books and magazines so i can read in bed
16. coffee
17. my comfy new bed

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favorite song of the moment:

some pics from last mother's day

me and my sister in the above pic

me and my aunt, love her!

even further away

so little time for creativity. so little inspiration. so little energy. it really gets to me. now i'm so preoccupied with losing weight that i think that that's what i should be doing with all my spare time, exercising. i want to feel good about myself again, and i hate that its so hard. ok, i'm not big, but lately people have been commenting that i've gained weight, and of course for a woman that might as well mean she gained 800 pounds. i have never been heavy. but i guess now i am heavier than i used to be. and that it just killing me. it hurts to exercise and diet and still have people tell you that you're gaining weight. when you're denying yourself of your favorite indulgences, and barely eating any dinners, and drinking gallons of water, you want to have something to show for it. it's so hard now and i guess i need to adjust to that. put my writing time and creativity aside and exercise now when i have free hours and energy.

i got out of work a bit early today so i decided to do all the chores i've been neglecting, like laundry and taking out garbage and doing dishes, but after all that i rewarded myself with an hour long bike ride which was a lot of fun since i haven't done that since i was a teenager, and hey, it counts as exercise! it felt good to feel my leg muscles working and it's pretty nice out today so i worked up a sweat. every now and then a breeze would come by and it felt so amazing, and i remembered why i love bike riding so much. it's definitely a lot more fun and less boring than walking.

tomorrow i thought i'd taking advantage of certain sales going on and buy some bathing suits for my vacation. too bad i'm not down to my ideal weight yet, but i'm running out of time and need to buy those suits. i wish i could go back to the days when my metabolism was fast and took care of itself, and i didn't need to exercise or even think about. i'd just eat a little less than normal and drop weight so quickly. now all i can think about is eating some cinnamon life cereal, since i just had a small piece of chicken and some vegetables for dinner and i'm longing for some dessert. oh the pleasures of the pressure to be thin. i don't think i could be happy seeing myself any other way though. i just wish it wasn't so much hard work.

after my laundry is done i'll be doing some arm toning pilates with some weights i bought, and then maybe an instant play dance cardio video from netflix. if that's not intense enough i guess i'll be going back to my old stand-by, the killer dvd called blast fat, boost metabolism with jillian michaels. fun!

sing sweet nightingale

recently on ebay i finally got the DVDs of Fantasia and Cinderella. for the longest time i just had the vhs tapes and could not bring myself to part with them. anyway the DVDs are better because they have the featurettes with all the interesting information about the making of the movies. so this morning when i woke up i watched cinderella, and it's still funny and entertaining to me. i must be the only 30 year old woman (almost 31!) who owns movies like the little mermaid, alice in wonderland, fantasia and cinderella on DVD. but i can delight in being weird since that is just who i am. here is one of my favorite scenes when Cinderella starts to sing,

introversion- blessing or curse?

i have this issue. i can only spend so much time around people and being social. i don't know what it is. i can't go out everyday and i need a lot of alone time in order to process things and recharge mentally. extroverted people get their energy from other people, and hate to be alone or doing nothing. i am the total opposite. i feel like i need a certain amount of alone time for my sanity. i can't lose a certain amount of sleep, or i get agitated and anxious. and i can't spend all my time around other people, or go straight from work to being with other people without a chance for for rest. i think it had to do with how i was growing up. since i was always on the shy side, i spent a lot of time alone in my room, reading, writing, watching movies, whatever. i had my family but they didn't bother me or get in my way. they left me to listen to music and just do my own thing. and now i feel unsettled and uneasy if i don't have that similar disconnect from the world.

i don't know what it is. it makes me fear for the future. like i hope that one day i'll be able to be married, but then what if i can't be? what if i feel claustrophobic? is that something completely irrational and strange? are people like me meant to be on their own? i had a busy weekend full of activity and today i could hardly hold it together. i had to be by myself, because not getting one day completely to myself was disorienting for me. this really can't be healthy. most people can function with a lot going on in their lives all the time. but i can't seem to make myself do that. it gets to me because i fear that one day life will change and i won't be able to afford the luxury of solitude. and then how will i cope?

being introverted does have its good things, it allows you to delve into your creativity. it allows for peace of mind and space between the rush of life. and i guess for me that's more important than it is for some people. maybe i have spent too many years living on my own and i'm too accustomed to it, and can't imagine how i could function and be myself completely around someone else if i live with them. it was different growing up. i guess my parents thought it best to have me home and safe, where they know where i am. and my sister was always the social one and therefore never home, especially when we got into our teens. i found it strange that my parents said they missed me when i moved out of the house and into my own apartment at age 24. i thought it wouldn't make much difference since i hardly spent much time with them when i did live at home. i finally got fed up with being alone in my room all the time and letting life pass me by.

i had to go out, move out and experience new people and a new way of thinking about life. i'm glad that i did it, because i've come a long way. but i still don't feel normal in the social sense. but normal is defined differently by everyone. sometimes i feel i have lost touch with myself, and that's when the anxiety sets in. and i have to try to divert my thoughts away from that. it can be a struggle and a difficult balance. but when i'm sitting at work, i'm sure like anyone else i start to have those thoughts like who am i? where am i going? is this really what i want out of life? what am i doing to make my life better and happier? i try to be happy with myself and my life and just tell myself that i'm doing the best that i can. and i will know the right things to do when the time comes. i just hope that i am right.

creating a beautiful life

i realized a few things today. its time to take a hard look at my self, my life and my choices and decide if i am living a life that is truly authentic to who i am, and to my personality. i need to stop doing things just because they are expected of me, or meet someone else's idea of me. i notice that i make these types of decisions a lot, and ignore my own inner voice in the process. i need to wake up each day and ask myself, what do i really want to do today? what would excite me and make me happy to be alive right now in this time and place? is this a day i can choose to change my routine? make a new friend? listen to a different song? choose not to conform to expectations or society? choose a new path? i tend to forget that all these things are possible. and that i am the only one responsible for my life.

there is a great big world out there that i have hardly explored, even though i've been living in it for 30 years. and that is sad really. i don't want to get to the end of my life and fear that i was too afraid to live, to risk and to try new things. there is no sense in putting off living until later. so i need to ask myself what i really want to be eating, doing, watching, consuming, spending my time on. what speaks directly to me as a person? and that's the only way to get a sense of myself back, and to realize that happiness and contentment are in my own hands.

would i really be ok if i chose to give up on myself? chose not to socialize or gave up on my fitness goals? i don't think there's a reason to give in to those things and take the easy way out, when i have the choice not to. i can't grow if i don't push myself. if i stick to the same routines, places, and people, how will i ever explore who i am as an individual? and all those interesting things that life has to offer to someone like me? i'm too young to give up on myself, to give in to some sadness that i don't have to pay attention to. i can choose differently.

i love this quote from the book i'm currently reading called 'Callings' by Gregg Levoy-

"You are ceremonially free," says Stephen Foster in The Book of the Vision Quest, "to bury, burn, smash, change your name, bathe, vow, draw blood, cut your hair, heap stones, chant, rattle, dance, sing, tie knots, light a candle, go nude, make gifts, use incense, pray, kneel, meditate, nightwalk, paint yourself, or behave in any other way that is meaningful to you."

i've been obsessed with this song lately, listening to it over and over:

how the other half lives

recently on mtv they had a show about two girls who had a compulsive shopping habit. One, a 19 year old, was feeling guilty about not paying her bills on time and the rental fee for her furniture so she decided to go to therapy. they didn't get too into this girl's history besides early shopping habits with her family. there was nothing about her educational background. her family didn't seem to care what she did for a living or that she was not in school. maybe they couldn't afford to send her. she was working at the door of a strip club, getting paid tips every night for letting the patrons in. she had cash in hand every night, which allowed her to easily go shopping often and spend everything. They gave an example of one night when she made $80 in tips.

she lived in a condo with her boyfriend, who seemed to let her dominate the relationship. he just smiled a lot and didn't talk much, admitting that he doesn't mind when she runs out of their dinner together to go shopping at a nearby mall before the stores closed. i found this to be hilarious in relation to my current situation. i live so frugally that it's a little nuts. i paid off my student loan, have no credit card debt, am supporting myself and living alone and have been since I was 24, and i can afford to really shop, but i don't. when i do shop, i like to do it at sites like thehungersite.com, where what you buy allows you to supply food to the hungry, or tomsshoes.com, where the shoes you buy automatically purchases a pair of shoes for a needy child. The girl on this show cared about little else than herself and her appearance. and the kicker is, her behavior was rewarded!

maybe she's with her boyfriend because he can give her an easier life, she didn't seem to care for or love him all that much. and at the end of the episode, there is a text update on her situation across the screen. it says that her boyfriend's parents recently bought a house for him, and she's planning to move in with him soon. some people have all the luck, don't they? i mean she's probably all of 20 and living in a house already, without having had to work for it, without having had to get a college education to ensure that she's not dependant on any man. i have to wonder what this guy really sees in her. i just don't get it, and it makes me mad! why do slackers get rewarded while hard workers and responsible people like me are only met with more hard work? i'm so work oriented that i couldn't slack at a job even if i tried. and this girl never had to try for anything! boyfriend, check, job, check, house, check, money, check. family, check. i mean, huh? makes me feel silly for trying and killing myself to try to establish some sort of career/work history/experience.

personally, i need to feel that my work is somehow meaningful to me. that's why i'm job searching at the moment, and always thinking about the things that really excite me and that i'm passionate about. this girls life is basically going to be about owning a lot of pretty clothes and accessories, i guess that's enough for some people. but if i were to live with someone, i'd want to make sure they really love me. not that they are a doormat that lets me walk all over them. whoa i sure wrote a lot on this, i guess it really bothered me!

audrey tatou, coco chanel and me

in the extras of a DVD i rented called 'coco before chanel' audrey tatou is shown at one of the red carpet premieres being interviewed. they don't show the question asked of her, but her reply is 'it's important to create your life and not be passive, not wait for something to happen.' that is as succinct as it gets, isn't it?

if only i knew how to get past the fear. sometimes i get this rush of courage and i tell myself to just do it, to just try. to quit my job and try to work somewhere more interesting part time to stay afloat, until i figure out what else i want to do. to go to bartending school, to learn and instrument and join a band, to learn to sing, who cares if i fail? at least I would have gone out and tried. but i remain here in the same place. one of the poets i saw read at the bust magazine event last week has founded her own nonprofit organization for poets, and she's only 26 years old. what have i done?

sometimes i'm at work and i think, this is all that i'll be known for after i'm gone, and it's a bad feeling. i want to do and be more and help people. i don't want to settle anymore. it's not fulfilling and it's drudgery. not fun at all.

‘coco before chanel’ was a really great movie. it goes into chanel's early life as an orphan, and how she gradually was drawn into her vocation of fashion design. she was an artist at a time when women weren't expected to work. she was a feminist and an individual, a woman who refused marriage, who preferred to be a mistress than a wife. she mentions that her mother was an idiot because she married for love, and cried and suffered her whole life because of it. she waited and waited while her husband went out and had affairs and one day he came home and found her dead. dead of a broken heart i would guess.

with all the media surrounding famous unfaithful men lately its really hard to have any desire to get married. the last thing i would want is for familiarity to extinguish the spark of passion. i guess i have trust issues and worry about the wandering eye. it doesn't seem normal for humans to be expected to remain monogamous. it doesn't seem to work out well for us here in the modern world. maybe i'm cynical. but considering the current divorce rates, can you really blame me? it's a scary proposition, but maybe not for some people (if they know they have found the right person). Maybe it is better to be a mistress than a wife, at least then when the man leaves your whole life doesn’t fall apart as well, and you eliminate the whole betrayal, and get to retain some dignity.

dizzy dolls

i just got back from a bust magazinesponsored spoken word poetry event held at the strand bookstore in NYC. i debated back and forth about going since i had no one to go with, but decided to anyway and i'm so glad i did. not only did i get to break my routine, introduce some fresh images to my mind and spend a nice spring evening outdoors walking around, i also found out about 4 great women poets who performed tonight. just for an hour, but it was great and really entertaining. and most importantly reminded me of the power and magic and beauty of poetry- spoken or written.

the poets who performed were Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz, (BUST writer and author of Everything is Everything) Patricia Smith (Blood Dazzler), Amber Tamblyn (Bang Ditto) and Rachel McKibbens (Pink Elephant). they were all great, with unique voices, but the overall standout had to be Patricia Smith. Oh my God. she literally had me breathless. what a completely riveting, engrossing, moving performance she did of her work. the room was filled with people and everyone fell absolutely silent as she spoke, no joke, and hung on her every syllable. listening to her, and the raw emotion in her poetry really made me want to cry. she wrung every emotion out of me and i swiftly bought a copy of her book, Blood Dazzler. this woman is amazing. i cannot stress that enough. she read with this confidence and conviction, grace and elegance that i have never see anyone display when reading their poetry. i would recommend to anyone to see her read her poetry if you have the opportunity. wow! there are not enough words to describe it.

i made the unfortunate decision of buying a frozen mocha drink before the show started and had to bolt to the bathroom the minute the reading was over, and in so doing i missed out on my chance to buy the poetry collection, Bang Ditto by Amber Tamblyn. Apparently they flew off the shelves and ran out before i had a chance to go back to the cart and get my copy, and she also ran out of the copies she was signing up at the front desk. when i finally got up there and grabbed some free copies of bust magazine (i love free stuff!) i heard someone mention that they spoke to management and they said Amber's book was all sold out. so me and a couple of other unfortunate people were left to order our copies online , which would of course not be signed by Amber. oh well.

I really miss poetry readings and i'm so glad that this one was so inspirational and such a delight. wish i had the courage to perform poetry the way those women did.

'dizzy dolls' was a phrase that stuck out to me from one of the poems read, i can't remember which one

seriously?

The other day I was in the ladies room at work walking up to the sink. There was a girl there, a temp I think, who said to me ‘you always look so serious.’ And I thought, ok, so what do I say to that? I had absolutely no response. So I just smiled a little. I mean really, did she expect me to apologize? To tell her what personal things I’m going through right now? to tell her that my heart is longing and hurting and holding on to someone who can’t be with me right now? was I supposed to explain or justify myself? I stayed silent, so she said ‘that can be good sometimes’ I guess because she was baffled by my silence. I still didn’t know what to say, so I just smiled and thought about the ridiculousness of it all. I don’t get why people need to voice their thoughts when they are critical of others, or simply observant.

I wouldn’t go around telling people, you look mean all the time, or you should try to smile more and be friendlier, because I have no idea what’s going on in that person’s life, and it’s not my place to say anything to them about their demeanor. Everyone is different and handles things differently, some with silence, some with emotions like anger, some by being sullen and withdrawn. I just happen to wear my heart on my sleeve, and it’s hard for me to hide the way I feel. I don’t think it’s healthy to hide the way you feel anyway. you can’t give a smile to the world while your heart is aching. At least I can’t.

haven’t won the lottery yet, so I have to go to work

i wish i never had to work again. there are just some days when you don't want to deal with anybody. the girl who is perpetually happy and upbeat, you're annoying and irritating boss, anyone who calls on the phone for stupid things, the people pushing and shoving on your commute, anyone that you are forced to speak with. they all can get to you so much that you wish you never had to see any of them ever again.

not to mention how uncomfortable going to work is physically. You have to get up at an unnaturally early hour, you are forced to sit there for 8 or more hours freezing half to death on a cold day or suffocating on a warm day because the temperature inside the building never seems to be right. you have to wait for a hole in the schedule in order to get something to eat. you have to wear a bra that bothers you all day long (if you're a woman) and in some cases, uncomfortable shoes. your hands freeze at the keyboard, you get sleepy and can't nap anywhere, your eyes strain from staring at a computer screen, you watch the clock and pray for it to go faster.

there's an episode of the simpsons where lenny and carl are waiting to leave work early one day at the nuclear plant. they are finally dismissed and carl says, 'empty apartment, here i come!' with this great excitement and happiness. it was meant to be ironic, like he should feel miserable about having an empty apartment to come home to, but really there isn't anything more blissful at the end of the day. just to come home and be able to do and wear and be whatever you want, with no orders, fewer responsibilities, no restraints, just peace and hopefully quiet. That’s if you have cooperative neighbors.

there's something so wonderful about being home and shutting the whole world out for a while.

having some wine on easter sunday..

great quotes

just wanted to share a couple of good/interesting quotes i've heard lately-

'I've been eliminated, but I still have breath in my body to change my tomorrow.' - Anthony from Project Runway

‘A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.’ ~Herm Albright

i went to a boring meeting today in newark, nj, but at least it was a chance to get outside on a nice day and get away from my cubicle for a while. so that part of it was nice. the day sure goes by faster when you're not sitting in front of a computer, even when you're just sitting in a meeting listening to presentations and taking notes. and they served us lunch so that was nice too. i was dropped off in hoboken to take the train back home, and everyone was sitting outside of the bars at various happy hours. i realized just how much i miss living there, where thursday nights were always party nights and everyone was out just hanging out and having fun. here i have a nicer apartment and more space, but it's really dull and uneventful.

i'm currently rereading a book i read several years ago called 'i could do anything if i only knew what it was' by Barbara Sher. i'm hoping it inspires me to know which direction to go in my life. it's like deep down i know what i want and what i need, but all this fear is in the way. fear of what my family would think, fears of letting them down, fears of success, fears of failure. it's so hard to move forward. but i know i need to find some sort of motivation and inspiration to push me forward.

some good news is that i was recently published on a friend's fashion blog, the link to my article is:

http://www.indiecouturenyc.com/2010/03/karens-tips-on-spring-cleaning-your-wardrobe/

her blog's home page is:

http://www.indiecouturenyc.com/

oh, here's a pic of my favorite recent purchase that is making me smile :)
my cuff (i got it in the silver tone) from rachel zoe's line of jewelry and clothes on qvc.com:

silvertone one is here, i just cant save the picture-

http://www.qvc.com/qic/qvcapp.aspx/view.2/app.detail/params.item.J148165.desc.Rachel-Zoe-Scroll-Design-Bracelet

cross found at ground zero

here are a couple of pics i took at the cross formation of beams found at Ground Zero 2 days after the world trade center attacks on 9/11/01. i pass by it every day on my way to work. it's a humbling reminder of the fragility of life and to not take anything for granted and be grateful every day.

brenda walsh/prue halliwell/gage sullivan/heather romly

i'm not really big on reality tv, but when i found out that one of my favorite stars, shannen doherty, was going to be on dancing with the stars, i had to watch the show. it was the first time ever. shannen doherty has been my girl crush for a really long time. meaning, that i admire her style, her beauty and her attitude, and would like to emulate her. there are some people that just fascinate you, and she's one of those people for me.

i have all her cheesy made for tv movies, and her episodes of charmed on DVD. i follow her clothing and jewelry choices, make up and hairstyles too. people think she is weird looking, but i think she's so pretty! maybe i'm weird. anyway, she chose to do dancing with the stars because of her father. he's a big fan of the show and he recently had a major stroke, so she decided to do the show (after being invited on for every season) as a gift to her dad to make his dream come true. such a loving thing to do.

i thought she danced well, maybe a bit nervously, since it was the first episode. but still really well, there were some complicated dance moves in the choreography chosen for her that must've been really nerve wracking to attempt in front of a live audience, and that show is also broadcast live which i had no idea. that's real pressure. she's not the most graceful dancer, but can probably get better with practice. this show really makes you want to go out dancing or take dance classes. it just looks like they are having so much fun. it's kind of corny in a way and i'll probably stop watching when and if shannen gets eliminated, but at least it's tolerable.

the premiere episode was two hours long though, which i can't stand. i hate it when a show eats up my whole night. i can't sit in front of the tv screen for two hours straight, i have to get up during the commercials and clean my bathroom, or wash dishes or make my lunch for the next day, or iron my clothes. i heard that only the premiere is that long, so thank goodness.

technological world

today during my commute, i was thinking about all the options i have to occupy myself with on the way to and from work. i can choose to listen to any song from my entire music library on my ipod, or read a book on my sony e-reader, or read an actual book (like the one i bought today, the crystal bible), or i can take out my cell phone and call someone, or i can take out my blackberry and check my work and my personal email. it's kind of ridiculous that i have so many choices! it's enough to boggle the mind.

today, i chose music. my favorite song of the moment is:





and i currently can't wait to read this:



tomorrow is friday! i'm so happy. and it looks like spring has finally arrived. a friend of mine from work asked me to write an article for her fabulous blog, http://indiecouturenyc.com/. so i'm currently working on it. it's due on tuesday and i'm kind of nervous! i wrote the first draft out today but i want to try to take some pictures and submit them to go with the article. it was a lot of fun to write. i guess writing is what i'm really meant to do. it felt so great to write that article while i was bored at work today, maybe because i had a real chance to use my mind and compose something again. not complaining about being bored at work though! it has been a welcome break from all the craziness that had me pulling my hair out a few weeks ago. c'est la vie

50 more things to let go of

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." ~ Leonardo DaVinci

in the spirit of that quote, i decided to throw out fifty more things, inspired by the book of the same name. i don't have the author's name at the moment, but her site is throwoutfiftythings.com. i don't think i made it to 50 the last time i tried to do this project, so i thought i should just start over and start from 50 again. here is my list of cast offs so far:

1. old pillow
2. poem book
3. simplicity book
4. address book (extra)
5. bus schedule (never used)
6. old photos/postcards
7. horoscope book
8. alarm clock manual
9. cards
10. grey pants
11. throw out fifty things book (read twice)
12. pilled purple sweater
13. old blue sweater
14. old shampoo (used a little)
15. bottle of rum (very old!)
16. camera case
17. comic book
18. taking woodstock book (got free at a class)
19. scarf
20. magazine
21. happy for no reason- book
22. lit from within - book
23. book of sonnets, edna st. vincent millay

364 love and & desire show

here are a couple of pictures from the galler 364 show which featured my picture.

in the end, only kindness matters

my favorite song of the moment, for some reason it was haunting around my mind today..