a salty weekend

this weekend was pretty nice, i must say. i have been waiting all summer for salt to finally come out, and it sure was worth the wait! angelina jolie can basically play an action hero in her sleep. and it was the perfect summer popcorn movie flick. that is, if i actually ever ate popcorn at the movies. i had a salad for dinner at a lovely restaurant with my bf before the show, while jealously watching him eat a delicious-looking pasta meal. the heat was so oppressive we thought we might pass out, but it's summer so i got to wear a cute black and white dress i got a while ago from forever21.com and completely forgot i had. well, i forgot it was a dress and for some reason thought of it more as a top, so i never wore it until last night. with some cute white heels :) and my cute black and white rollerball necklace from the 'grace' jewelry line by molly sims.

we got to the movie almost an hour early to get good seats since it was opening weekend. why are people like angeline jolie so fascinating? she is beautiful but so are a lot of other actresses. maybe it is a combination of her beauty and acting talent, and the fact that she never pretends to be anything except for who she is. and people who lead that way tend to have a lot of admirers and imitators. my bf tells me that i look like her, and i can only feel complemented to be compared to this person who is widely considered to be the most beautiful woman on earth. i don't really see the resemblance. the movie was nonstop action, lots of fight and chase scenes but all so well done. i was even entertained by the fight choreography, and the stunts were also amazing. the storyline never dragged, it kept you engaged the whole time. i would definitely go see it again and this may be one of the few movies i choose to own when it comes out on DVD. there is something so captivating about angelina, how she can pull off complicated characters, all while looking drop dead gorgeous in this effortless, stylish way. you just wish that you could be her.

today i had the heavenly pleasure of getting two massages (birthday gift card from my sweet bf.) one of these was a scalp massage, which i had never had before today. it was amazing! i always loved having my hair shampooed at hair salons simply because it feels so relaxing, so i was really looking forward to this massage. the lady who did it used this lavender oil that was so relaxing, and started massaging between my eyes and up towards my forehead using her thumbs and it was just so nice. i felt totally spoiled, totally relaxed and so happy. after that, me and my bf had some lunch and suddenly it started pouring rain. i didn't remember to bring an umbrella, and he wanted to run through it to get back to his car, so he dragged me by my hand out in the storm and we proceeded to get completely drenched. but you know, those are the little moments you remember and recall fondly when you think about being young.

back in the car i nearly froze to death and made him turn down the air conditioning. after some grocery shopping he dropped me off and i started to read and promptly took a long nap in my air conditioned room. now i'm here online, catching up on the archives of fashiontoast.com. life can be so sweet.

cause I am not a material girl

i remember once watching a tv movie about madonna's life (Madonna: Innocence Lost (1994) in which an actress played madonna in the role and it was sort of a biographical story of her struggles trying to become famous in new york. i remember being intrigued and fascinated by her minimal apartment with just a fridge and kitchen table. and there is a scene where she is standing at a phone booth and her suitcase gets stolen. the robbers run off with it and it opens up, spilling it's contents onto the sidewalk. She chases after them yelling ‘hey, they have my stuff!’

I was marvelled again. all she had in the suitcase which she sat on the floor to collect was a rosary, a picture of her mother, a couple of dresses, a blanket and some dance leotards. i thought, how simple it must be able to to carry everything you own with you in a suitcase and travel from place to place with ease. to not be attached to any other physical things. unfortunately, i'm sentimental about a lot of things. i have kept every journal i've ever owned, except some assigned in high school which i miraculously let go of after reading 'clutter busting' by brooks palmer. i also own clothes that i'm sentimental about, like a blouse and heart necklace (that's turning black) that i wore on my first date with my bf, and the part of the first gift he ever gave me, 2 beaded bracelets which are now falling apart.

i have even felt sentimental about books i have kept! i had one for many years called 'gonna bake me a rainbow poem' that i bought in like the 5th grade just because it was the first book to introduce me to poetry and caused me to fall in love with it. Don’t know how I was able to let that go. I also still have my e.e.cummings big poetry anthology that i was obsessed with in high school, even though I have hardly looked at it in years.

today was a nice, slow friday, except for the rain which was annoying me as i ran out to new york and company during my lunch to buy a black, faux-leather motorcycle jacket (yeah, in the middle of summer, i don't get it either). but i love it! i saw a similar jacket in a magazine (worn by jessica alba) and just fell in love. you can wear it with so many things, so i justified the purchase as an investment. i will definitely be wearing it to death. here's a pic from ny & co.'s website

birthday thoughts/musings

below is a pic of me on my birthday, i took a few but only liked how i look in this one. for some reason, my birthday didn't feel that real to me this year, maybe because i'm refusing to acknowledge it the same way i would before. i used to really think about it, but now not so much. i try not to. in my mind i'm still 30, actually, more like 24. i know i had a cake and blew out a candle and opened gifts, but it still just felt like some ordinary day. still, i get the sense of time passing, so now that i can actually afford it, i'm going to spend more time and effort on my look every day and the clothes/shoes/jewelry i choose to wear. it's now or never, you know?

for my birthday i got yet more jewelry (2 necklaces) and a set of 3 handbags/totes, a beautiful white and gold longish short dress from my aunt, a blue and silver glittery scarf (which i love and can't wait to wear!!), and a big, caramel colored handbag from the rachel zoe line, which i'm going to use as my carry on/purse for my upcoming flights. it's roomy enough to fit everything that i will need. i am so obsessed with it and am currently using it as my everyday work bag. it's not the easiest thing to carry in a sea of New York City commuters though, people are constantly knocking into it.

unfortunately this video doesn't show the bag i have, but it shows some other nice pieces from rachel zoe's QVC line. my bag can be seen here: http://www.qvc.com/qic/qvcapp.aspx/view.2/app.detail/params.item.A200864.desc.Rachel-Zoe-Large-Flap-Front-Satchel

i think i'm obsessed with rachel because she looks at fashion as something fun to play around with and not be taken seriously. and she knows that glamour is fun and is a form of self expression. why not celebrate the fact that you are alive and adorn yourself a little? or a lot?

my partial jewelry collection

life with no internet

for the past week, since my birthday, i have had a virus on my computer which prevented me from opening my internet browser. what a pain that was! i didn't realize how much i depended on the internet in my home on a daily basis, to look up random things, check the weather, email my mother, look for music and movies, read inspirational fashion blogs, and write here of course. it was really tough! i guess i am more addicted to being online than i previously thought. so i spent a whole lot of time reading a book, yet another book about clutter, but i don't want to write too much about it since i haven't really gotten too far into it yet.



i watched the movie 'chloe' last night which was pretty good mostly because the main actors in it were all beautiful and easy to look at. the story was purposel mysterious in not revealing the history of the main character, the prostitute played by amanda seyfried. it sure was a far cry from her roles in mean girls and mamma mia. she was not ditzy at all in 'chloe' and you always believe julianne moore instantly no matter what role she plays. i saw her in a movie called 'the forgotten' which was such an amazing role. you really believed she was a mother suffering for her lost son. here she is suffering in her marriage which has lost it's spark. and you believe it every time she cries here too.

the story is complex and some characters, like the husband, are a bit underdeveloped. but that's probably the point, since the focus of the movie is on chloe and her manipulations and motives. i can't understand how an actress would want to do a film like this that is so exposed and vulnerable for the world to see, but i guess money talks when you're trying to make a name for yourself in hollywood. just look at all the crappy movies nicole kidman has been in, while she has also been in some great ones. there is something about julianne moore's and amanda seyfried's characters that feels real, so you get hooked into their stories right away.

every day that goes by brings me one day closer to my family cruise, and 7 days of being away from my bf. which makes me sad. it's almost like i can't wait to get it over with and get back to my life where i feel special, loved and secure. i hate to fly and it makes me nervous, but if anything happens i figure at least i will be with my family, who makes me feel safe as well. i'm not packing nearly as much as i would normally though, since there is no one out there for me to impress and i'm just going for a restful vacation. no need to weigh my luggage down with tons of jewelry, make up and dress/outfit changes. i will defintiely be travelling light. and the flights back and forth will be short too, so there will be no need to bring tons of onboard entertainment and reading materials. i will probably just bring a book or magazine and my ipod.

life's too short for a bad outfit

i've been reading a lot of fashion books, blogs and magazines lately and thinking about my own personal style. i definitely gravitate towards certain things over and over and sometimes feel like i need to be jolted out of my rut. i can't count the amount of green dresses and tops i have, and yellow is another favorite color too. i have a cousin my age who's closet is filled with nothing but red, so i guess to each their own.

the thing is, when i do where a weird color for me, like blue, red, orange, pink or purple, people always compliment me on looking good in those colors. i don't really dress for what looks good on my skin type. I’m not to big on wearing prints either, except for florals. i only own one pink item in my entire wardrobe, and i got it for free, i didn't buy it. i went through a purple faze for a while. but today i bought yet another patterned green dress. i don't know why i couldn't go for the same dress in another color. i also like all black or all white, but not really black and white mixed together. i don't think it really works with my skin tone. i get bored and washed out when i wear grey or tan colored clothing, feeling like i blend in too much with everyone else.

I love feminine pieces. i love flowing, bohemian style dresses, billowy blouses and lacy details. i love wearing skirts and dresses (long and short) way more than wearing pants. i'm not big on designers or labels. I like making more affordable pieces my own. it's not about the clothes to me, it's how you wear them. Debbie Harry took a pillowcase out of a dumpster and made an iconic dress out of it. Shirley Manson bought a cheap $15 dress from a teen store for her ‘stupid girl’ video and everyone begged her to know who designed it. this is what i'm talking about. It’s supposed to look like effortless chic, not like you are trying to hard. In that spirit, the dress I bought to wear on my birthday is short, yellow and brown color blocked (sort of) and cost me $9.99

the only designer who has gotten my attention has been nanette lepour, and i like the clothing line, ‘free people.’ i tend to find myself at small no-name boutiques around the streets where i work, and i take a lot of inspiration from the girls i just see walking in the streets of new york. they often put things together in a way i would've never thought of on my own. and then when i copy their look i seem original :)

i hate it when things get lost in my closet and i forget i have them. i'm trying to be more conscious of shopping for things that i actually need, not just more of the same. like maybe try to stay away from buying more dresses and try other things like belts? or shawls? or shorts? i wish i could win one of those lucky magazine shopping sprees i keep entering. i always feel like, except for a few favorite key pieces, my wardrobe always needs a major overhaul.

sending you forget me nots..

its' kind of funny that george michael is back in the news with another arrest for something, when i happened to rediscover this old song of his that i always loved because it's such a cool summer song and fun to dance to. i was searching for some new songs to download and found it that way- it reminds me of my carefree younger days




it was this song, along with lady gaga which i'm only now discovering how catchy her music is (it takes me a while to hear and get into trendy music sometimes). i was in the mood to listen to feel good music since my boss is on vacation this week, and even though the temperature is hovering at 102 degrees in NYC right now, i'm still finding myself happy somehow. it was so much fun listening to bad romance, just dance, alejandro and telephone during my train ride this morning, making the comute seem almost cheerful. i am needing another air conditioner desperately. or at least a fan at my desk at home so i can go online without feeling like i'm suffocating. right now the only ac i have is in my bedroom so i can actually sleep when the weather is like this.

i was reading my monthly horoscope and supposedly around my birthday this year, i will be getting a great work opportunity, and a unique opportunity to see my life become significantly different than how it is now. it'll even be a good time for me to overhaul my look or change my name due to the eclipse taking place in cancer on july 11, and those with their birthdays closest to that date will be affected most. my birthday is the 10th, so i can't wait to see waht happens. i long for a new beginning in my job, and to somehow make friends who share my interests and who i feel i can trust, that's a big issue for me for some reason. i always think people have ulterior motives and it's hard for me to really open up. but i feel ready for a new challenge. my birthday is this saturday, and at 31, i think i'll be long overdo.

another sexy summer tune..

pic of me writing at the park today

it was so hot, i thought i might melt

Fashion dreams

since work slows down considerably in the summertime (yay!) and my boss is going on vacation next week (yay again!) i spend most of my workday looking at fashion blogs. this habit unfortunately makes me want to shop more, but fortunately it inspires me to express myself more through my clothing choices. and it reminds me that it's ok and even fun to go over the top with fashion sometimes.

today i found this great blog that i will definitely be reading daily from now on-fashiontoast.com. i was working through the archives when suddenly the pictures failed to load at work, so i will have to continue studying it at home. there is so much about it that i love: the random photography (some from japan which is my dream destination), the everyday normal world feel, the poetic entries and blog titles, and the one of a kind thrift store (and ebay) fashion finds that happen to look brand new and fabulous on the author/model. below are some excerpts, but you should really check the pics that go with the blog itself to get the full effect. the pic above this post is unrelated to these entries, it's just another pic that i liked and found interesting.

4/5/2010

this time

Hopping around a field and high on nature, baring shoulders at 46 degrees, watching the crows fly ahead more slowly and quietly than in a dream, letting the wind feed me my hair, running and talking faster and faster to keep warm, falling and not caring, forgetting about almost everything. Ten minutes on a Sunday.

2/27/2010

on track

"I get a lot of questions in regards to the "braveness" to dress any way you want to in the public eye..be it the grocery store, school, party, etc...and where I get the confidence to wear this or that. Which is strange to me because I'm really not that out there in my mind...but it's touching in the most real way to read emails from girls that thought they were too tall to wear platform heels/afraid what their peers would think if they were to dress the way they wanted to/want to add some glamour back into their lives saying that I've inspired them to break out of the box in any way. My outlook has always been that people in the streets aren't dressing to please me, why should I take them into account when dressing myself? Playing with clothes is one of the most basic pleasures in life along with other stupid crap like peeling nail polish off in single sheets, crawling into a sun warmed car, and laughing about nothing and everything. If I were to die tomorrow I would be glad that I wore a slightly inappropriate coat and five inch heels to a deserted train station in the middle of the day. You know what I mean? "

blot out the sun

yesterday i had to attend a boring work event but at least (after the meeting portion) i got to spend the whole day out in the park. there were people playing softball, basketball, volleyball, and climbing the rock wall and mostly i sat in the shade and just watched with some of my coworkers. it sure beat being in the office on a beautiful summer day. today i'll be going to my cousin's baby shower, she'll be having a little girl in august. i can't wait to put on my new white lacy mini skirt and dark purple tank top which goes with my pale purple nail polish, and accessorize with a layer of necklaces and my white handbag which i love. fashion is so fun and makes me happy! or maybe it's just that's summertime, and i love the warm weather. you get to have so much more fun dressing up. being able to look good in any clothing is a great motivation for working out as well.

i was just reading one of the 20 magazines that my sister lent me recently. it was the instyle issue that had gwen stefani on the cover, i think it was the march issue. i was never a huge no doubt fan or anything. but i can't believe that woman is 40 and after 2 kids still has an amazing body. she said she needs to workout before 12pm or she won't do it, and that her main motivation is loving to wear the clothes she wants to wear and design. talk about discipline. to do all that with two kids. anyway, it's a good way to make a habit of exercise. and i like that she admits that it's difficult, but definitely doable.

my favorite song today is:

things i'm grateful for

i wrote this list in my journal last night:

1. i still have some time to lose weight before my family cruise
2. i had a good workout today, cardio and pilates arm sculpting
3. i have my bf back :)
4. the beautiful new jade bracelet i got from the bf for our anniversary
5. air conditioning
6. clean water to drink and to bathe with
7. having my own apartment and a bedroom in which i can close the door
8. ear plugs
9. all the interesting reading material online
10. free workout videos on youtube
11. my sony electronic reader
12. my family
13. getting the most important things on my to-do list done today
14, getting a chance to write this list and think about all i'm grateful for
15. books and magazines so i can read in bed
16. coffee
17. my comfy new bed

------------------------------------

favorite song of the moment:

some pics from last mother's day

me and my sister in the above pic

me and my aunt, love her!

even further away

so little time for creativity. so little inspiration. so little energy. it really gets to me. now i'm so preoccupied with losing weight that i think that that's what i should be doing with all my spare time, exercising. i want to feel good about myself again, and i hate that its so hard. ok, i'm not big, but lately people have been commenting that i've gained weight, and of course for a woman that might as well mean she gained 800 pounds. i have never been heavy. but i guess now i am heavier than i used to be. and that it just killing me. it hurts to exercise and diet and still have people tell you that you're gaining weight. when you're denying yourself of your favorite indulgences, and barely eating any dinners, and drinking gallons of water, you want to have something to show for it. it's so hard now and i guess i need to adjust to that. put my writing time and creativity aside and exercise now when i have free hours and energy.

i got out of work a bit early today so i decided to do all the chores i've been neglecting, like laundry and taking out garbage and doing dishes, but after all that i rewarded myself with an hour long bike ride which was a lot of fun since i haven't done that since i was a teenager, and hey, it counts as exercise! it felt good to feel my leg muscles working and it's pretty nice out today so i worked up a sweat. every now and then a breeze would come by and it felt so amazing, and i remembered why i love bike riding so much. it's definitely a lot more fun and less boring than walking.

tomorrow i thought i'd taking advantage of certain sales going on and buy some bathing suits for my vacation. too bad i'm not down to my ideal weight yet, but i'm running out of time and need to buy those suits. i wish i could go back to the days when my metabolism was fast and took care of itself, and i didn't need to exercise or even think about. i'd just eat a little less than normal and drop weight so quickly. now all i can think about is eating some cinnamon life cereal, since i just had a small piece of chicken and some vegetables for dinner and i'm longing for some dessert. oh the pleasures of the pressure to be thin. i don't think i could be happy seeing myself any other way though. i just wish it wasn't so much hard work.

after my laundry is done i'll be doing some arm toning pilates with some weights i bought, and then maybe an instant play dance cardio video from netflix. if that's not intense enough i guess i'll be going back to my old stand-by, the killer dvd called blast fat, boost metabolism with jillian michaels. fun!

sing sweet nightingale

recently on ebay i finally got the DVDs of Fantasia and Cinderella. for the longest time i just had the vhs tapes and could not bring myself to part with them. anyway the DVDs are better because they have the featurettes with all the interesting information about the making of the movies. so this morning when i woke up i watched cinderella, and it's still funny and entertaining to me. i must be the only 30 year old woman (almost 31!) who owns movies like the little mermaid, alice in wonderland, fantasia and cinderella on DVD. but i can delight in being weird since that is just who i am. here is one of my favorite scenes when Cinderella starts to sing,

introversion- blessing or curse?

i have this issue. i can only spend so much time around people and being social. i don't know what it is. i can't go out everyday and i need a lot of alone time in order to process things and recharge mentally. extroverted people get their energy from other people, and hate to be alone or doing nothing. i am the total opposite. i feel like i need a certain amount of alone time for my sanity. i can't lose a certain amount of sleep, or i get agitated and anxious. and i can't spend all my time around other people, or go straight from work to being with other people without a chance for for rest. i think it had to do with how i was growing up. since i was always on the shy side, i spent a lot of time alone in my room, reading, writing, watching movies, whatever. i had my family but they didn't bother me or get in my way. they left me to listen to music and just do my own thing. and now i feel unsettled and uneasy if i don't have that similar disconnect from the world.

i don't know what it is. it makes me fear for the future. like i hope that one day i'll be able to be married, but then what if i can't be? what if i feel claustrophobic? is that something completely irrational and strange? are people like me meant to be on their own? i had a busy weekend full of activity and today i could hardly hold it together. i had to be by myself, because not getting one day completely to myself was disorienting for me. this really can't be healthy. most people can function with a lot going on in their lives all the time. but i can't seem to make myself do that. it gets to me because i fear that one day life will change and i won't be able to afford the luxury of solitude. and then how will i cope?

being introverted does have its good things, it allows you to delve into your creativity. it allows for peace of mind and space between the rush of life. and i guess for me that's more important than it is for some people. maybe i have spent too many years living on my own and i'm too accustomed to it, and can't imagine how i could function and be myself completely around someone else if i live with them. it was different growing up. i guess my parents thought it best to have me home and safe, where they know where i am. and my sister was always the social one and therefore never home, especially when we got into our teens. i found it strange that my parents said they missed me when i moved out of the house and into my own apartment at age 24. i thought it wouldn't make much difference since i hardly spent much time with them when i did live at home. i finally got fed up with being alone in my room all the time and letting life pass me by.

i had to go out, move out and experience new people and a new way of thinking about life. i'm glad that i did it, because i've come a long way. but i still don't feel normal in the social sense. but normal is defined differently by everyone. sometimes i feel i have lost touch with myself, and that's when the anxiety sets in. and i have to try to divert my thoughts away from that. it can be a struggle and a difficult balance. but when i'm sitting at work, i'm sure like anyone else i start to have those thoughts like who am i? where am i going? is this really what i want out of life? what am i doing to make my life better and happier? i try to be happy with myself and my life and just tell myself that i'm doing the best that i can. and i will know the right things to do when the time comes. i just hope that i am right.

creating a beautiful life

i realized a few things today. its time to take a hard look at my self, my life and my choices and decide if i am living a life that is truly authentic to who i am, and to my personality. i need to stop doing things just because they are expected of me, or meet someone else's idea of me. i notice that i make these types of decisions a lot, and ignore my own inner voice in the process. i need to wake up each day and ask myself, what do i really want to do today? what would excite me and make me happy to be alive right now in this time and place? is this a day i can choose to change my routine? make a new friend? listen to a different song? choose not to conform to expectations or society? choose a new path? i tend to forget that all these things are possible. and that i am the only one responsible for my life.

there is a great big world out there that i have hardly explored, even though i've been living in it for 30 years. and that is sad really. i don't want to get to the end of my life and fear that i was too afraid to live, to risk and to try new things. there is no sense in putting off living until later. so i need to ask myself what i really want to be eating, doing, watching, consuming, spending my time on. what speaks directly to me as a person? and that's the only way to get a sense of myself back, and to realize that happiness and contentment are in my own hands.

would i really be ok if i chose to give up on myself? chose not to socialize or gave up on my fitness goals? i don't think there's a reason to give in to those things and take the easy way out, when i have the choice not to. i can't grow if i don't push myself. if i stick to the same routines, places, and people, how will i ever explore who i am as an individual? and all those interesting things that life has to offer to someone like me? i'm too young to give up on myself, to give in to some sadness that i don't have to pay attention to. i can choose differently.

i love this quote from the book i'm currently reading called 'Callings' by Gregg Levoy-

"You are ceremonially free," says Stephen Foster in The Book of the Vision Quest, "to bury, burn, smash, change your name, bathe, vow, draw blood, cut your hair, heap stones, chant, rattle, dance, sing, tie knots, light a candle, go nude, make gifts, use incense, pray, kneel, meditate, nightwalk, paint yourself, or behave in any other way that is meaningful to you."

i've been obsessed with this song lately, listening to it over and over:

how the other half lives

recently on mtv they had a show about two girls who had a compulsive shopping habit. One, a 19 year old, was feeling guilty about not paying her bills on time and the rental fee for her furniture so she decided to go to therapy. they didn't get too into this girl's history besides early shopping habits with her family. there was nothing about her educational background. her family didn't seem to care what she did for a living or that she was not in school. maybe they couldn't afford to send her. she was working at the door of a strip club, getting paid tips every night for letting the patrons in. she had cash in hand every night, which allowed her to easily go shopping often and spend everything. They gave an example of one night when she made $80 in tips.

she lived in a condo with her boyfriend, who seemed to let her dominate the relationship. he just smiled a lot and didn't talk much, admitting that he doesn't mind when she runs out of their dinner together to go shopping at a nearby mall before the stores closed. i found this to be hilarious in relation to my current situation. i live so frugally that it's a little nuts. i paid off my student loan, have no credit card debt, am supporting myself and living alone and have been since I was 24, and i can afford to really shop, but i don't. when i do shop, i like to do it at sites like thehungersite.com, where what you buy allows you to supply food to the hungry, or tomsshoes.com, where the shoes you buy automatically purchases a pair of shoes for a needy child. The girl on this show cared about little else than herself and her appearance. and the kicker is, her behavior was rewarded!

maybe she's with her boyfriend because he can give her an easier life, she didn't seem to care for or love him all that much. and at the end of the episode, there is a text update on her situation across the screen. it says that her boyfriend's parents recently bought a house for him, and she's planning to move in with him soon. some people have all the luck, don't they? i mean she's probably all of 20 and living in a house already, without having had to work for it, without having had to get a college education to ensure that she's not dependant on any man. i have to wonder what this guy really sees in her. i just don't get it, and it makes me mad! why do slackers get rewarded while hard workers and responsible people like me are only met with more hard work? i'm so work oriented that i couldn't slack at a job even if i tried. and this girl never had to try for anything! boyfriend, check, job, check, house, check, money, check. family, check. i mean, huh? makes me feel silly for trying and killing myself to try to establish some sort of career/work history/experience.

personally, i need to feel that my work is somehow meaningful to me. that's why i'm job searching at the moment, and always thinking about the things that really excite me and that i'm passionate about. this girls life is basically going to be about owning a lot of pretty clothes and accessories, i guess that's enough for some people. but if i were to live with someone, i'd want to make sure they really love me. not that they are a doormat that lets me walk all over them. whoa i sure wrote a lot on this, i guess it really bothered me!

audrey tatou, coco chanel and me

in the extras of a DVD i rented called 'coco before chanel' audrey tatou is shown at one of the red carpet premieres being interviewed. they don't show the question asked of her, but her reply is 'it's important to create your life and not be passive, not wait for something to happen.' that is as succinct as it gets, isn't it?

if only i knew how to get past the fear. sometimes i get this rush of courage and i tell myself to just do it, to just try. to quit my job and try to work somewhere more interesting part time to stay afloat, until i figure out what else i want to do. to go to bartending school, to learn and instrument and join a band, to learn to sing, who cares if i fail? at least I would have gone out and tried. but i remain here in the same place. one of the poets i saw read at the bust magazine event last week has founded her own nonprofit organization for poets, and she's only 26 years old. what have i done?

sometimes i'm at work and i think, this is all that i'll be known for after i'm gone, and it's a bad feeling. i want to do and be more and help people. i don't want to settle anymore. it's not fulfilling and it's drudgery. not fun at all.

‘coco before chanel’ was a really great movie. it goes into chanel's early life as an orphan, and how she gradually was drawn into her vocation of fashion design. she was an artist at a time when women weren't expected to work. she was a feminist and an individual, a woman who refused marriage, who preferred to be a mistress than a wife. she mentions that her mother was an idiot because she married for love, and cried and suffered her whole life because of it. she waited and waited while her husband went out and had affairs and one day he came home and found her dead. dead of a broken heart i would guess.

with all the media surrounding famous unfaithful men lately its really hard to have any desire to get married. the last thing i would want is for familiarity to extinguish the spark of passion. i guess i have trust issues and worry about the wandering eye. it doesn't seem normal for humans to be expected to remain monogamous. it doesn't seem to work out well for us here in the modern world. maybe i'm cynical. but considering the current divorce rates, can you really blame me? it's a scary proposition, but maybe not for some people (if they know they have found the right person). Maybe it is better to be a mistress than a wife, at least then when the man leaves your whole life doesn’t fall apart as well, and you eliminate the whole betrayal, and get to retain some dignity.

dizzy dolls

i just got back from a bust magazinesponsored spoken word poetry event held at the strand bookstore in NYC. i debated back and forth about going since i had no one to go with, but decided to anyway and i'm so glad i did. not only did i get to break my routine, introduce some fresh images to my mind and spend a nice spring evening outdoors walking around, i also found out about 4 great women poets who performed tonight. just for an hour, but it was great and really entertaining. and most importantly reminded me of the power and magic and beauty of poetry- spoken or written.

the poets who performed were Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz, (BUST writer and author of Everything is Everything) Patricia Smith (Blood Dazzler), Amber Tamblyn (Bang Ditto) and Rachel McKibbens (Pink Elephant). they were all great, with unique voices, but the overall standout had to be Patricia Smith. Oh my God. she literally had me breathless. what a completely riveting, engrossing, moving performance she did of her work. the room was filled with people and everyone fell absolutely silent as she spoke, no joke, and hung on her every syllable. listening to her, and the raw emotion in her poetry really made me want to cry. she wrung every emotion out of me and i swiftly bought a copy of her book, Blood Dazzler. this woman is amazing. i cannot stress that enough. she read with this confidence and conviction, grace and elegance that i have never see anyone display when reading their poetry. i would recommend to anyone to see her read her poetry if you have the opportunity. wow! there are not enough words to describe it.

i made the unfortunate decision of buying a frozen mocha drink before the show started and had to bolt to the bathroom the minute the reading was over, and in so doing i missed out on my chance to buy the poetry collection, Bang Ditto by Amber Tamblyn. Apparently they flew off the shelves and ran out before i had a chance to go back to the cart and get my copy, and she also ran out of the copies she was signing up at the front desk. when i finally got up there and grabbed some free copies of bust magazine (i love free stuff!) i heard someone mention that they spoke to management and they said Amber's book was all sold out. so me and a couple of other unfortunate people were left to order our copies online , which would of course not be signed by Amber. oh well.

I really miss poetry readings and i'm so glad that this one was so inspirational and such a delight. wish i had the courage to perform poetry the way those women did.

'dizzy dolls' was a phrase that stuck out to me from one of the poems read, i can't remember which one

seriously?

The other day I was in the ladies room at work walking up to the sink. There was a girl there, a temp I think, who said to me ‘you always look so serious.’ And I thought, ok, so what do I say to that? I had absolutely no response. So I just smiled a little. I mean really, did she expect me to apologize? To tell her what personal things I’m going through right now? to tell her that my heart is longing and hurting and holding on to someone who can’t be with me right now? was I supposed to explain or justify myself? I stayed silent, so she said ‘that can be good sometimes’ I guess because she was baffled by my silence. I still didn’t know what to say, so I just smiled and thought about the ridiculousness of it all. I don’t get why people need to voice their thoughts when they are critical of others, or simply observant.

I wouldn’t go around telling people, you look mean all the time, or you should try to smile more and be friendlier, because I have no idea what’s going on in that person’s life, and it’s not my place to say anything to them about their demeanor. Everyone is different and handles things differently, some with silence, some with emotions like anger, some by being sullen and withdrawn. I just happen to wear my heart on my sleeve, and it’s hard for me to hide the way I feel. I don’t think it’s healthy to hide the way you feel anyway. you can’t give a smile to the world while your heart is aching. At least I can’t.