some pics from my 30th surprise birthday party

an excellent talk

Elizabeth Gilbert on nurturing creativity-

http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

i love my sony reader

i feel like such a nerd. but i got a sony reader (like a kindle but made by sony) for my 30th birthday from my sister and 2 cousins who all put in money for it. and i love it so much! i have never had such an attachment to an inanimate object before. it is the best. it's small and light, just like a day planner. i have only downloaded one book so far, a book called 'clutter busting' and it's so easy to read on this electronic thingy its ridiculous. i'm already up to chapter 2 and i just downloaded the book late last night. getting it onto my reader was tricky, but i managed. now it's like i can actually look forward to my commute!

also, another lovely new thing in my life is my new computer. i got one of those flat screen desk top ones and it is so amazingly fast! i marvel at the time that i save now because i don't have to sit there waiting for pages to load. and now there are websites that i gave up visiting before that i can go back to now without worrying that my browser will crash. it's so great! :) i couldn't stop thinking about it at work today, i'm nuts. i couldn't wait to go home and surf the net to my heart's content. and write emails to people in a fraction of the time that it used to take.

it feels nice to be able to treat myself, since it's something that i hardly ever do. especially with expensive things. for so long i felt guilty about spending money on myself. but i work hard and i deserve to have the best. it makes it easier to get up in the morning and go to work, knowing that my hard work has paid off in a way that i can enjoy my leisure time so much more.

it's kind of funny and ironic, because recently i wrote an entry in my regular journal about the evils of modern technology and how it robs us of really living. i guess i contradict myself, because i'm insanely entertained by my new techno toys!! next thing i need to get is a new computer desk, as the one i have is old and shabby. but luckily i got a mini bonus at my job last week, so i can use that towards the desk. my apartment is becoming more of a homey, comfy place by the day. and it makes me happy.

i love this idea

buy your next pair of shoes here and provide a new pair of shoes to a child in need at the same time!

http://www.tomsshoes.com/

i'm getting my pair this weekend, they are affordable and cute, espeically the booties

most creative when i'm delirious

mr. jaws

debbie harry once had a fish
named mr. jaws
she wore sunglasses on stage
held him up in a bowl
said she was working on the Blondie
character
once i thought i could live
like a child
like her in a world of make believe
-a magazine

where i'd sing something like
'she left me so hot'
lyric penned by men.
where i'd be on rooftops
wearing mini dresses, fringed bangs,
clothes made from pillowcases
looking disaffected.

i would wear reality
like a poem on my sleeve
and obscure my eyes
in a slick blue raincoat
still enough to photograph..

i'd wait for no one.
walking along in a long blue song

free summer day

didn't do much today but take a walk down to the salvation army thrift store here in town where i bought this print (pictured) for $1. it's not as huge as the picture makes it look, it's a bit smaller than an 8 x 10. i thought it was nice that it had a cardboard back so it's ready to hang. the thrift store isn't that big, but i was happy to see that they had a small book section in the back, i almost bought 'the power of now' but after reading a few passages i was getting a bit lost.

i guess now i'll finish reading 'how shall i tell the dog,' a free book i got from my professor during my last class. i also got a chance to grab this book that's going to serve as a companion to a movie called 'taking woodstock' that's coming out in august, i think the book is the shooting script. i'm nervous about my presentation for the last class, because it's going to be lots of work and very difficult. my 30th birthday is also looming, oh my. i'm going to have some ice cream, do some reading, and forget my worries.

last night i watched the memorial for michael jackson which was on like at 2am, an encore showing. it was very nice and free of theatrics. i half expected michael to jump up out of his coffin and reveal that it was all a major hoax to drum up publicity for his upcoming tour, but that would've been too cruel of a thing to do, making the world think he had died. my mind goes to some weird places sometimes. i have to meditate tonight. my whole vacation may pass me by without my doing so and that would be a shame. it's amazing that even when i'm off work there still doesn't seem to be enough time in the day for all that i want to do. even if i go to bed at 4am.

accidents never happen in a perfect world

that's a line from a Blondie song, 'accidents never happen. ' while i was listening to it on my way home from class tonight, it made me think of one word that i saw someone had written on the handle of a door between subway cars. it was on one of the doors of the subway i took to head home. the one word, written in blue marker horizontally down the handle of the door was 'pray.' sometimes i think the things we run across in life, the conversations we overhear, the people we meet just for a few moments are not random or accidental at all. that they have real meaning for us if we have our eyes open and pay attention. maybe 'pray' was the reminder that i needed in my life right now. maybe doing that will help me in some way.

sometimes i wonder how i got to be where i am in life, but then i feel suddenly assured that where i am is where i'm supposed to be at this moment, wherever that happens to be. and the people in my life are all there to teach me something, to show me something i need to learn to continue on in my journey of life. maybe they are, maybe they're not, but that's my instinct and my interpretation of their existence. i don't think anything is random, i think things are meant to be as they are, and maybe we don't understand all the reasons for that, and maybe we are not meant to understand until the time is right.

don't try to understand me..

whatever you may think about him, there is no denying the man's artistry, talent and incredible ability to perform and entertain. i think having that much money though and being that famous for the majority of a life would make anyone become unstable. the extent of that we may never know. but for now, my favorite michael jackson song and video are below. these are probably his darkest songs. when 'dangerous' came out, i was obsessed with 'give in to me.' there's something about the pain in his voice on that song that has always haunted me. it's amazing.




the song for some reason gets cut off at the end, here is the link to the whole 'give in to me video' which i can't embed: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-CcqOe9WWU

this is my favorite video from him-

spontaneous poems

just saw this amazing movie, 'waitress' that i was not expecting to like so much. i'm completely in love with it in fact. it is one of the most brilliantly written scripts i think in existence. no exaggeration! you must watch this movie! it is romantic but not in a sickening way, it is genuine and so real and the writing is so sharp that it made me sad that i didn't write it myself. it ranks up there with 'the crow' and 'shakespeare in love' and is one of my favorites now. it has these touching moments, one right after the other, and the characters are not typical movie characters. they are realistic and aware and bold, and it makes the movie so refreshing and enjoyable.

they should make more movies like this. unfortunately, i also found out that the writer, director, and one of the actors in the film, Adrienne Shelley, (the waitress named dawn) was murdered before the movie even premiered. so completely sad and shocking, because you cannot imagine how brilliant this story is, the script, the dialogue, the conversations, the voice overs. i wanted to watch every scene again and again. it was completely engrossing, like a great novel being acted out on film. watch it and see!!! the scenes of the main character, jenna, with the man she has an affair with are some of the most romantic scenes i've ever seen in my life. it will totally get to you and affect your soul.

there is a scene involving dawn telling her fellow waitress girlfriends about the 'spontaneous poems' that her boyfriend writes for her on the spot. it is one of the best scenes, so funny and touching-i love the poem where he says her face is a moon. but i won't ruin it for you. and i even laughed out loud at one scene where jenna is asked out by her doctor to get coffee, her response is the best. i love this movie! it made me happy.

i will definitely have to see the other 2 movies Adrienne Shelley has written..

what's that all about?

had a dream the other night that i went to see some woman who does body energy work, like clearing negative energy from people. she placed a hand over my upper abdomen, closed her eyes, muttered some words, and i felt an energy come forward from my body into her hand. afterwards i felt a dull ache on both sides of my back. what's that all about?

the next day on my way to class, some lady walks directly in my path and hands me a card with a phone number to get more info about a psychic reading. the weird thing is that the card also advertises the release/cleansing of negative energies for mind, heart, body, spirit, bad luck, spells, evil entities, etc. what's that all about??

on my way home from class on my walk to the train, i pass by some guy randomly playing the violin on some steps outside a building in soho. what's that all about?

after meditating on monday night, i end up having a pretty bad day at work. not at all what i expected to happen. and it was pretty cold this morning, very cold actually, and it's now june 17th, and a couple of days from now will be the official beginning of summer. i think it's on sunday actually. what's what all about?

quite a confusing time right now to say the least.

today's insight:

The more honest I am with others and myself, the happier I am.

7 things i'm grateful for today

1. taking today off of work and relaxing
2. having a fun day yesterday with my bf at the open studio day at monroe center in hoboken
3. not having to worry about more rain when i go to class tomorrow
4. applesauce
5. having clear skin and going out without makeup
6. fashion photography books, magazines and web sites
7. feeling rested and having time (and quiet) for meditation
8. (bonus)- getting my laundry done today

i just finished reading a book called 'wings of joy' by Sri Chinmoy. i definitely recommend it, it was very inspiring and fun to read.

i'm only happy when it rains

i've been doing a lot of homework for my class, and even though i wrote in my regular journal last night, i haven't written much here. it's been raining a lot lately. and it's kind of annoying because it's way into june and it's still pretty cold. not to mention that the air conditioning is on so high in my office, it's a wonder that i haven't gotten sick yet. somehow today i managed to finish two reader reports (summaries of unsolicited manuscripts) and watch a movie. i saw 'the curve' which was ok, but not great. it's always nice to watch someone in a movie with hair as curly as mine. keri russell was in 'the curve.' it makes me feel like less of an outsider. my hair has been impossible to control in this weather. i hate it! if i put a hat on, i get hot and sweat and my hair curls up, and if i leave a hat off, then my hair gets frizzy and big. i can't win!

i guess it pays off to have a job that isn't busy at times, so i can get my schoolwork done. espeically when my boss is not in the office. i still get my work done. i just use the extra time to my advantage :) my boss bought a cute purple dress this week for $10 that she couldn't exchange. it didn't fit her so she gave it to me and i got a free dress. too bad it hasn't been warm enough out to really wear it. and the one day i did, i nearly froze to death.

i feel bad that i haven't followed through with my hope to write a play. my sweet bf bought me a book to help me along the process and everything, but it just fell to the wayside once i started taking classes. it's hard when you don't even have an idea what to write a play about either. i have been wanting to do so much more lately. i'm bored with myself and need new stimulation and motivation. i know i'm capable of accomplishing a lot, and not even attempting things upsets and frustrates me. i feel like i'm short changing myself and wasting time. there are so many people out there who had so many disadvantages and less education, who have done so much more than i have, like written books, and travelled abroad, and had other creative accomplishments to their credit. and i have a blog with no central point, just a venue for my wayward thoughts and emotions and occasional insights.

this post has been all over the place. to add to the chaos, here are some sites i've been addicted to lately:

www.streetpeeper.com
www.luckymag.com
www.antonioestevez.net
http://repurposeful.wordpress.com/
http://www.10bestchristiandatingservices.com/blog/2008/11/102-ways-to-simplify-your-life-and-strengthen-your-relationships/
http://www.fashiongonerogue.com/

poem prompted by today's entry at joesnyc.com

drab rags

if i could somehow be purple or lavendar
listening intently to windows
wondering of water droplets falling
onto a white, clean cloth
foreboding, i
walk these streets to sense this
forever climbing and falling onto rooftops
grasping at straws
wishing the weeping willow trees
could call on me

the street sweeps white
the glare is blinding
i want to walk down the beauteous path
the path of lightning
i want to wander alone and among
the stars of the morning
riding along the dawning
feeling the light sky blue

life's too short

one summer night a long time ago, my boyfriend and i were walking through the city. it was rainy and misty outside and i kept fussing about my hair and worrying that it was getting frizzy and messed up. my boyfriend finally got fed up and said to me, 'who cares? life's too short, just enjoy yourself.' and for some reason, i really got the message. and felt foolish about my constant need for perfection and control of my circumstances. i learned a big lesson that night. and i think of it often when i find myself fussing and stressing myself out over dumb little things. it's not the end of the world if things don't go just right, or just the way i planned or imagined. i really learned that from him. as everything that went wrong before in my life used to be like a big tragedy to me. and i wouldn't let it go, bemoaning the unfairness of it all.

it was really immature and i'm not sure where i got that mindset from. it used to be (and still is at times) so hard for me to just let go of things and expectations and just relax and go with the flow. it's something that i'm still working on in fact. and something that i hope i can improve about myself.

i remembered this lesson again recently when my boss asked me what my plans were for the memorial day weekend. i didn't really have any plans so i told her that, and she suggested that i go to the beach. i said i wouldn't because it was supposed to rain i think it was that sunday, and she said, 'so who cares? you'll get wet, just go anyway!' and i thought, there it is again. the need for something to be perfect, at the expense of doing something just for the hell of it. just to get away somewhere. and then i thought about the fact that i never let myself get caught in the rain. i always seem to be prepared. and being so prepared for every little inconvenience in life is probably costing me some living.

so when i feel a deep need for control over something, i have to remind myself to let go and just let things be how they will be. just because i spend one sunny day at home, it doesn't mean that that will be my last chance ever to enjoy a sunny day. i could go out and be having the time of my life when i'm 33 or 41 or 47. i tend to have this all or nothing type of attitude. it does not do me any good and causes much unneeded stress, but i'm grateful that now at least i am aware of it enough to catch myself when my mind wants to latch on to some outcome. when i pin all my hopes onto trivial things.

the caged bird sings

last night i attended my first class for the next course on my list to get my certificate in editing from NYU. It's called From Writer to Reader: An Introduction to Book Publishing. and it's taught by esther margolis. she founded newmarket press i believe it was back in the 60s, when it was unheard of for a woman to do something like that. she told some amazing stories. like being the only woman in a sales meeting of 300 once, and getting to work with the nobel prize winning poet maya angelou. esther worked on the publicity for one of maya's first books. and she created an event (to be covered by the press) in which maya would speak to school children in harlem.

maya agreed to do so on one condition. she asked esther, 'what will they pay to listen to me speak?' and esther said, 'maya, these are school children in harlem, what do you mean?' and maya said 'it doesn't matter if it's just 10 cents or a quarter. they should pay something because they will listen differently if they have paid to hear me speak. and esther said it was one of the biggest lessons she learned in her career doing publicity for book authors. maya angelou is a poet who's words i fell in love with in high school, and here was this woman who had worked with her, just casually telling the story as if it were anybody. she said maya was extraordinary though. and how could she not be? the kids ended up paying a quarter to get into the auditorium to hear her speak, and the money raised by her appearance did not go to her either, it went to charity.

we also saw a brief video about the publishing business, which featured nikki giovanni. another amazing poet that i love. and i actually never even knew what she looked like. i was encourage by the way that the authors and editors described all the different facets of working in publishing, and how someone could taylor their particular interest into a career in it. they can start as editorial assistants and move their way up all the way to senior editor, or someone could start in administration or HR or even in the legal side in the contracts department, or production, art, or many others. i know there has to be a niche somewhere in their for me. right now i feel like it may be editing. but i'm not absolutely certain yet. i guess it just takes getting your feet wet to see where you most want to end up. the first homework assignment is really interesting which seems promising for the whole course.

Alone

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

-Maya Angelou

day off from the everyday

this memorial day has been a very reflective one for me. i started to think about what is important to me, and if the way i currently live my life really reflects that or not. i know i'm doing ok. in a good position. i have a job that allows me to live on my own and the freedom is great. i can come and go as i please without having to answer to anyone. and i consider how so many people are out of work these days, and in much worse situations, like having a family to support. or situations like my young cousin who graduated college more than a year ago and is looking for a job every day with little luck, and i've tried recommending him to several positions in my company which he has applied for but has not gotten. and he's stuck living at home with his parents in the meantime.

i think about those things when i think back to when i first started to get panic attacks, and had to go on medication. i went off of it because i hated being on medication. and was fine for a few months, but then, this past winter. it came back. out of nowhere. caused by stress at work and my pushing myself too hard. i feel good at work usually. when i'm not overwhelmed. it feels nice to do a job i can handle. to get the occasional challenge, and to of course get paid. and interacting with coworkers distracts my mind, and takes the focus off me, and lets me realize how far i've come with my confidence. yet i have those moments where i think, maybe i should have listened to my body and the way that it responded to this stress in my life. maybe i should have changed myself instead of solving the problem with medication.

maybe i should have left my job and let myself and my mind rest and regroup. because even though i feel ok now. i'm still not 100% back to being me. i feel like i can go to work and do my job, and therefore have the freedom to do whatever i want. and be able to spend time with my boyfriend whom i love, and go to family events without having to worry about passing out or panicking or forgetting who i am. but at the same time. i feel like i'm giving up a part of me. when i go to write, i don't find my same personality that was always there, and i almost feel that i have nothing honest to say. i feel constantly tired and like my body aches for no good reason. i fall asleep so early that i feel like my 62 year old dad who falls asleep right after dinner. and i don't know why. i want to have my interest in things back again. i don't want to feel like i'm just coasting along with no purpose or priorities. just getting rest when i'm not working and that's it. i want to feel that fun again of staying up late, reading, listening to music, going out by myself to the park to write, or to the city to shop, or whatever. those desires don't seem to be there now and it worries me.

i'm close to being 30 years old. still not sure of what i want for myself or my life. or maybe i am sure, and i'm just letting everyone else's opinions crowd out my own. who knows? i know i need a change, a break in my routine, different scenery, but somehow i'm still locked up inside myself. i don't know how to reach out and connect. i don't feel there is anything interesting about me left. is it worth it to have a high paying job to afford nice clothes and a fancy cell phone if there's no one to call up to hang out with? and it's my own fault for being the way i am. my mind changes so often but i get caught up in the day to day of living and never really slow down to pay attention to myself or what i really want. i was raised to push myself, to over achieve, to do well always, to please and impress people, but i usually end up doing that at my own expense. sometimes i think i feel better when i'm alone, and then when i'm with other people i tell myself, i need to be around other people more. it changes all the time, and just leaves me confused.

it's like i've forgotten how to have fun or something. i have fun with my boyfriend because he's my best friend and i love him. but i can't really rely on one person to fulfill all my social needs. i used to be ok on my own. i've lived alone since i was 25 years old. and i've always been able to entertain myself somehow and even feel comfortable in solitude. but it's probably not healthy. my life will have no point if i spend all this time on my own when i'm still young. i'm going to end up aging myself faster, getting comfortable being in a rut. and unable to bring myself out. i try to fill my mind with positivity. positive books, movies, people. and i am always grateful for the life i do have, and for my health. because i have known what it's like to not have my health. so i say i should just relax and live my life and let go of my need for control. it's not serving me in any way. i am the least spontaneous person ever. and it's pretty sad. i want to feel like i'm not just going through the motions. like i have my creativity back, and my energy and spirit. it's like somewhere deep inside me and somehow subdued. and i'm not sure what to do to get it back.

when i wrote that poem in my last post to my boyfriend, i wrote it while i was at work and sent it to him. as i read it back to myself i started to cry a little. and it was because i knew that my feelings for him are so real. and it was the first time in such a long time that i was able to cry. to really express myself. and i realized then that i was finally really being me.

poem for the one i love

you come and find me
you come to fix me
show me to live simply
take things slow

i fall into the day
creep along dark corners
you light my way

i close my eyes
pray when the day dawns
put on a green dress

i narrow down
my emotional storms,
hold in my tears
my poems, myself
a lost, wandering spirit
a winded being winding down

getting me to let go
you take my hands
take me down to where
no time can hold me

where rivers run deep
living in a dream
you set me free

angels & demons

this movie pissed me off. let me just say, if you haven't read the book, read the book instead of watching this movie. it was ok up until the end. the story could have made an amazing film, if it was done correctly. the da vinci code movie was extremely faithful to the book, and that's why i think it was better. even though most people hated it. i really liked it, and even own the DVD. but angels & demons was a let down. and the ending in the book was a bit of a let down too in a way, but i understood both sides of the story. i'm about to majorly spoil anyone who has not read the book or seen the movie, so beware.

in the book, the secret society of the illuminati is supposedly out for revenge and plotting to kidnap and murder four cardinals in line for the papacy. they do this by murdering one cardinal every hour, according to the 4 natural elements: earth, air, fire, and water. thus, one cardinal is buried alive and suffocated with dirt, one cardinal has his lungs punctured, one is burned alive while hanging christ-like over a fire, and the last is drowned. now all through the book, you are led to believe that the illuminati are indeed real, and have resurfaced to take their revenge on the church. at the end though, you find out all the while that a head priest in the vatican, called the camarlengo, was behind the fictional resurfacing of the illuminati, and there is in fact no threat at all to the church. it was all his idea to create this grand story to attract the attention of the world and the media, and to restore (on a grand scale) the faith of the human race in christiantiy.

in the novel, the carmalengo makes this amazing, moving, beautiful, several pages-long speech in which he defends his motives. he explains the importance of faith, spirituality, and christianity and how important it is to human lives to believe in God. it is something that i would not be able to articulate myself. it comes towards the end of the novel and it was the part of the book that stood out to me the most. the problem was that in the movie, THEY TOTALLY LEAVE THAT PART OUT!!! it barely registers that the carmalengo was behind the whole illuminati plot and it's glossed over in one tiny scene. i was so angry. that was the most important passage of the book, as it shows the reasoning behind all the events of the novel.

even though i was upset that the illumaniti did not in fact resurface in the book, but was all the plan of the carmalengo for the benefit of the catholic church, the way he justified his actions - the murders, etc, makes you understand him. you sympathize with his reasoning. and he ties together so eloquently all his beliefs and passions about religious faith. it is something that the novel and story would NOT be complete without. and that's why the movie majorly let me down. you'll see what i mean if you decide to read the novel and see the movie. please do yourself a favor and read the novel first, that way at least you will know the whole story. ugh!! frustration!

happy birthday Ryan!!

happy birthday to my sweet nephew and godson Ryan on his 3rd birthday today!!

free of clutter!

i have been reading a lot lately about clutter clearing for a more simple, lighter home and lighter existence in the world. i love reading about anything that makes life simpler and less complicated. i took a day off from work last friday to do a deep clean of my apartment, using the time to clean, but also to clear out my useless clutter. i ended up throwing out about 4 large garbage bags of stuff. and it's nice to have space in my closets and bookshelf and dresser again. everything was just filling up to overflowing, and it was driving me crazy.

it wasn't like a threw out whole bunches of things all at once, but just a few things here and there, a few books, some old clothes and pajamas, some old postcards with artwork that no longer mean anything to me, some old photos that no longer hold meaning for me, magazines and catalogues that were just lying around, old makeup, some jewelry i never wear, and some other odds and ends that my mother has given me that i never use.

all this useless stuff was dragging me down and i was keeping it for i don't know what reason. probably just laziness and procrastination when it came to clearing out. sometimes it amazes me the sheer amount of stuff that i have, and i'm only one person. a lot of it, like most of my clothes and jackets, were gifts from my mom, so at least i don't have the guilt of having acquired this huge amount of stuff by paying a lot of money for it. i've just been blessed i guess, by other's generosity, and my own ability to support myself and buy the things that i like and want.

i know right now i still have more stuff that i need and use, but it's a work in progress, as the flow of clutter into our lives never really ends. what with all the unwanted gifts, junk mail, hand me downs, etc. but it's nice to have periodic clutter clear outs. it cleanses the soul and frees you up for more important things in life.